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tremblingrain's Blog


Competition


I have noticed that a classmate of mine has been very competitive towards me. In my class both of us are on the top four. I really have no desire to compete with him nor anyone, so it irks me about bit that he keeps competing with me. My only competition is myself and in reality, somewhere out there someone will always be better than me. 

Today I accomplished a lot. I stayed at school until 6 oclock.. I plan on working late everyday in our lab until I finish all the assignments and enhance my portfolio pieces. It hasn't been easy coming back from Christmas break, but I'm glad I'm back to the groove of work again...it fills my life up in a good way.

I don't regret not having a car anymore...after giving away my old piece of clunker, I have been taking the bus. I find I enjoy it much more, just because I have time to think and read. Anyway I don't think I'm getting a car anytime soon, I am already in the stage of simplfying and streamlining my life, moreover having mobility to move anywhere without worrying about possessions is something i'd like to achieve.





Journaling everyday

I plan on writing on my blog, as much as I can...Helps me evaluate where I am each day. ever since i found EP, i have felt much better....just writing my thoughts and feelings is cathartic.

I was extremely tired today, didnt get much sleep. I saw one of my prof todayand he looked horrible, sunken eyes, hopefully he's not having any personal problems. I appreciate the fact that  he is a good teacher and he's quite detail oriented. No matter  how much I listened though my brain was too tired to take any information.

I feel a little guilty lately that I haven't contacted one of  my close friends. I promised her we'll go out December, but I was just too depressed to call her and hang out with her. There's still some lingering effects from my feelings of boredom and general lack of enjoyment, even though I am slowly fighting it off.

Mostly and working on assignment...is what I'm pretty much today. Tomorrow another presentation, I'm almost done with it but I have to make a few tweaks tonight .

I really need to start job hunting now as some of my fellow classmates are doing.. however it's no use, there's lack of motivation I'm feeling - although rationally i know i should just be doing my best.  I hope something sparks up in my life again.

Last night, I couldn't help but think about Andrew. I wonder how is he doing? I really miss him...He was one of the few people so far I have met in my life who i felt connected to. The feeling was mutual, and from each other we've grown as a person. Sometimes I regret that I pushed him away and wonder what could have happened if I gave the relationship a chance? i know he was all wrong in our main fundamental values and goals and yet i still can't stop questioning myself if i' made a mistake. I really need to forget him... but I hate the fact that there is still a small part of me hoping to meet him someday. why am i still hanging on to thread of memory?

i know back then i was also immature in a lot of ways... i wonder if i'll ever get to the point but i am fooling myself? i'll forever be a work-in-progress like everyone else no one can truly reach perfection. if i don't stop accepting myself now and my mistakes, then when??

i wonder what changes are awaiting for me. i know i can't wait for life to make things happen for me, i have to take control and i have the freedom to choose where the journey will take me. either way, i'm responsible for the outcome.

i have de-constructed life in my mind...have pondered it's meaning...questioned everything. But knowledge in itself, is it useful? some people are ignorant and their lives are full of blissf...while I take so much time thinking that I forget to live in the present, to truly enjoy the moment.

I wish I could meet another person like Andrew... He challenged me to set higher standards for myself and he made me really see myself through his eyes, which is an admirable person. i have always used my brain over my heart and i know in the end my decisions were good, weighing the pro's and con's, but the heart is a fickle thing and very hard to control.


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Previous Posts
Competition, posted January 9th, 2013, 2 comments
Journaling everyday, posted January 8th, 2013

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